Why my life ended
by Annabel Jones
Summary: 'Hey. I'm Emma. Emma Carstairs. It's the first time I have a diary and I honestly can't say I like to write but it was doctor's order. Well, I honestly don't feel anything, anymore, since...since it happened. You still there? Because it's going to take a long time for me to tell you the story of my life. Or more specifically, why my life ended.' -I own nothing but the plot-


**A/N: This is a story about Emma Carstairs, with lots of mature contents such as rape, anorexia, abusive relationship and suicide. Hope you enjoy it and understand how grateful you should be for your life. I'm sorry for the dark content, my life's a mess right now and it's the only way I cana find to express myself.**

 **Annabel Jones**

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To anyone who finds this

Hey. I'm Emma. Emma Carstairs. It's the first time I have a diary and I honestly can't say I like to write but it was doctor's order. Write about your feelings, he said. Well, I honestly don't feel anything, anymore, except for that constant suffocating fear and anxiety since... since _it_ happened...You probably have no idea what I'm talking about. So it's time to start from the beginning.

Everything just happened so quickly. It was a blur and I only understood what happened later. But I remember, now. I remember everything. Too much. I wish I could erase all my memories, to finally be able to live normally. I was at a party. Like all high-school students parties it was noisy, crowded and the smell of vodka and sweat was everywhere. The loud music was pounding in my head, I was dancing like everyone around me, a drink in my hand, my hair bouncing around my face, and a feeling of freedom filling my heart. If only I knew. Cameron, my boyfriend, walked to me and grabbed hold of my waist, swinging me around. Cameron's handsome. He's hot with his gorgeous red hair and his sparkling green eyes. He towered above me as he pressed a kiss to my nose. ''I love you,'' I whispered. He chuckled and gently passed his knuckles across my cheek. ''I know,'' he replied. I remember feeling hurt, but all the alcohol I had ingested made my thoughts sluggish and I couldn't think straight. I giggled and I was leaning for a kiss when someone tapped me on the shoulder. I pushed the hand away. I started kissing Cameron when the hand tapped me again on the shoulder, this time harder. I turned around. ''What?!'' I asked, irritably. It was a boy with black curly hair and chocolate skin.''Are you Emma Carstairs?'' he asked. ''Yes. Yes it's me.'' His eyes softened. ''I'm sorry,'' he whispered. I shared a confused look with Cameron. ''What do you mean?'' I asked. ''I'm sorry,'' he repeated. ''They rushed your parents to the hospital, but nothing could have been done. With that accident they had, it's not surprising.'' I was utterly and completely confused. My clouded brain couldn't process any information. ''I mean that your parents died. They were killed in a car accident. I'm so sorry for your loss.'' He looked at me with pity, but I still couldn't understand what he said. No matter how I rearranged the words in my head, it didn't make sense. It couldn't be happening. Then I looked at the boy, saw the pity and sorrow in his eyes and realized that it was true. My vision blackened and I remember falling, but a pair of arms caught me and the world went black.

Hey. You still there? Because it's going to take a long time for me to tell you the story of my life. Or more specifically, why my life ended.

My parents were the coolest parents on earth. They were the kind of parents every kid in school would call 'Mom' and 'Dad'. I remember them. I remember mom's soft brown eyes that would sparkle when she laughed. I remember dad's blonde hair hanging in his eyes when he played the violin. I remember everything about them. I remember when we went to the fun fair together and dad won the fish at the basketball game. I remember when mom and I made cookies for christmas, I had more icing in my hair than on my cakes but mom was laughing, then. I also remember the last time I saw them. They were dropping me off at Jules's house, two hours before the party. Two hours before everything changed. Before my life started to go downhill. Mom was telling me to be careful, not to drink too much, dad was warning me that if I ever got pregnant, he would kill the man that did it, but I was barely paying any attention to them. I wish I did. I wish I wasn't too excited to see Jules, my best friend. I wish I had paid more attention to them. I wish I said I love you to them, one last time.

Okay. Calm down, Emma. Stop crying. Crying is for the weak. You're not weak. _I'm_ not weak. I have to finish this diary. So you can understand. So everyone can understand why I did it. Why I killed myself.

Back to the story of my life. In case you didn't know, I had tons of friends. A boyfriend. I was popular. I had the best grades. Everyone loved me. Parents, teachers, students. Everyone would literally do anything I asked them to do. And that changed. After my life went from ten to zero, when everyone suddenly all forgot about me. It's funny how easily people can pretend they don't know you. I wonder if they'll miss me. If they'll cry in bed for weeks after that. If they'd be a wreck. If they would come to my funeral. If they actually _cared._ Probably not.

After my parents died, I was a wreck for weeks after, I still am. I just got better at holding it in together. At hiding the pain. I slowly started retreating from my social and popular life. And after the first few weeks of ''Do you want to talk about it?'', ''Smile!'' and ''How are you?'', they realised that I didn't want to talk to them. At all. Even though, I was relieved they stopped bothering me, I wish they had tried harder. Tried harder to talk to me. Tried harder to help me. Tried harder to keep me alive.

Cameron wasn't supportive. He didn't understand. He kept on telling me that I should move on. That I should stop being so weak. So emotional. Yep. He actually said that. His exact words, and I'll never forget them, were:'' Emma, move on. Stop crying all the time, like a two year old. You're a grown up for goodness sake! Act like one! And if you can't stand a tiny act of life, then you're not worthy of me wasting my time with you.'' His tone softened. ''I just want the best for you, Em. Just the best. And you're not doing anything to help me help you. I try my best, Em, but I don't now how to help you. I just want the best for you. Do you believe that?'' And like an idiot, I believed him. If only I could tell old me: ''What the fuck are you doing?! Don't you see?! He's a liar! A fucking liar and you were too dumb to see it.''

But enough rambling. Now you're probably wondering what I'm talking about. I sometimes forget you don't live in my head, which is a good thing. So, the first time he did it, I will always remember in my life. We were arguing about something I don't remember. We were in his bedroom, hissing at each other over something stupid. I lost my patience and started shouting at him when he cursed and slapped me. Instantly, his face turned from furious to horrified. ''Oh God, I'm so sorry Em-'' But I didn't want to hear his excuse, I ran out of his room, trying to hold my tears from spilling over my cheeks. In the corridor, I ran into Elena, his mom. She took a look at me, holding a hand to my red cheek, and said:''Hold on, honey. I got you. Come with me.'' She pulled me into the bathroom. She examined my cheek, her hands fluttering gently across my face. ''It isn't that bad. You can hardly see it. Cameron has his father's temper. He can get real mad sometimes. You just need to learn to keep quiet and be gentle with them.'' She stood up and rinsed her hands. ''They're such men. Always showing off how strong they are.'' She turned to me and said with a smile: ''Don't worry. No harm done. He'll come to you, anyways. Begging, with flowers and chocolates, you'll see. They can be so persuasive sometimes.'' She giggled and I followed her as she left the bathroom. I had honestly no idea what to do. It was the first I had ever been hit. And I can't say I liked it.

So you figured it out, right? My boyfriend hit me? More than once? Yep, he did. More than once. What I wrote was just the first time. The beginning. The easy thing. And that's not all. Because after that, I kept silent. Just like Elena told me. I kept quiet when he hit me. So it became normal for him to do it, since I didn't stop him anymore.

Because I was popular and apparently really pretty, I don't even bother to look in a mirror these days, most people assumed I fucked boys every other day. Which I did not. I won't even lie, I had already lost my virginity back then, but I still was very careful about with who I did, and contrary to other people's beliefs, I could count all in one hand how many times I had done it. Yep, you heard right. I wasn't the slut everyone thought I was. But now, you're going back, checking what I just wrote, which is: '' I could count in one hand how many times I had done it.'' _Could_. Wait, does that mean that it changed? Yes. Yes, it did. And it wasn't willingly. Did you get it? I was raped. Countless of times. and I didn't understand it was rape what he did to me, back then. It's only when I went to the therapist that she showed me that what he did was sexually assault me. Okay so now, you're probably wondering who did it me. You haven't got it already? You got honestly no clue? Well, you should. I'm not gonna say his name, for now. You're gonna figure it out eventually, anyways.

One day, I came home (all of this happened after my parents died, BTW), and he was in a bad mood. Like bad. I don't know what happened to make him so mad. He grabbed hold of my wrist, hard, and pulled me to his room. He pushed me on his bed and locked the door behind him. I was shaking, with fear because he was never like this. It's like he was someone else. He came back to the bed and started removing my t-shirt. I pushed his hand away. He said, '' You never want to have sex with me. You're my girlfriend. It's what you're supposed to do. Or it means you don't like me.'' So now you know. But what he said made sense. When two people like each other, they show their affection physically, right? Well, lets say that I let him do it, even though I didn't want to. So for your entertainement, I searched the word rape and here is the definition: ''unlawful sexual intercourse or any other sexual penetration of the vagina, anus, or mouth of another person, with or without force, by a sex organ, other body part, or foreign object, without the consent of the victim. '' He raped me. And more than once. The therapist convinced me it wasn't my fault.

I felt like I didn't have control over my life, that my life was like a riptide that sucked me to the bottom of the sea, where I couldn't breathe and couldn't fight it off because it was much stronger than me. And so, I turned towards the only thing I could control; food. I had already tried a change in appearance, I chopped my hair off, my beautiful long blonde hair. But it wasn't enough. I lived at Jules's house, now, and I would skip breakfast and lunch. I didn't eat much during dinner with his family, pretending I already had a big snack right before. I would eat one apple a day and sometimes a bit of lettuce or an egg. I lost weight dramatically fast. I went from 55kg to 37 in less than two weeks. I started wearing oversized hoodies and sweatpants. I now weight 29kg.

Everything changed, when one evening, I was alone with Jules at his house. Livvy was still in the hospital, recovering from a relapse of her cancer and Tavvy was at a friend's home for a sleepover. Dru was staying at a friend's house, too. It was just me and Julian. We were watching a movie, I don't remember which one, but it probably was Star Wars or Harry Potter. After a while, Julian got up. ''Want some food?'' he asked me. I said no, I could barely eat any food. He frowned but went to get food anyways from the fridge. He came back five minutes later. He sat down on the couch next to me and offered some of his food. It was a bag of crisps. My stomach rumbled but I said no again. ''Take it,'' he ordered. ''I-I can't,'' I whispered. ''Eat it,'' he said. I broke down into tears because I couldn't hold it anymore. His expression changed. He took me in his arms and I was grateful for the support. ''Em, I can't stand it, to watch you slowly fade from this world,'' he whispered. I drew back, looked at his blue-green eyes and crashed my lips to his. I kissed him like he was the oxygen I breathed, like I could escape from my horrible prison through him. I passed my hands through his soft chocolate hair. I'm not gonna describe everything that happened that night, it's too special and private. But I realised I loved him. I love him so much and that scared me because I would anything for him, even stay alive. But it hurt too much.

The next morning, I woke up in his arms, still in the sofa and watched his peaceful sleeping face. It broke my heart to see him look so innocent, I had to leave this place, forever, before I did anything foolish. I got dressed and left the house and walked. I walked around the town, wishing I could leave this world forever. I walked to the therapist for the first time. I had her number, the school provided it after my parents died, just in case I needed help. They said I could call her anytime.

Her name is Dr. Gray. Dr Tessa Gray. She apparently knew my parents, before. I went to her and she asked me what was wrong. I couldn't tell her everything, could I? I told her I felt overwhelmed. Too many feelings and thoughts. ''Take this diary,'' she said. '' Write down about your feelings, it will help.'' I looked into her gray eyes and couldn't help but feel safe. I broke down into tears for the second time in two days, and told her everything. She held me while I cried, smoothing down my hair, like my mom used to do and murmured soothing words. She told me that what Cameron did to me was rape and abuse. She said I had anorexia nervosa and that I needed help. But I knew that. That's why I came to her. I ran away from her, I ran to the woods that surrounded my town. And that's where I am now writing in the diary she gave me. Before I went to see Dr. Gray, I took a handful of pills that I hid into my pocket. I guess it's time. I'm not scared, I'm relieved. I need to get away from everything. I'm so tired.

If you ever see this, Jules, I'm so sorry. And I love you too, even if I never whispered it back, that night. Our night. I love you so much and it's not your fault if I did it. It's Cameron and life's faults.

Love, Emma.

 _(change in handwriting)_

 _Hey, Emma. I don't know if you can see me. It's been a week. I miss you so much, I wish you were still alive. I wish I tried harder to know what was wrong. I wish I told you earlier I loved you. I guess it's too late now anyways. Livs died yesterday. It had been a year of fighting so hard, but that cancer got the better of her. I told you once that you were the blood in my veins, the air I breath, and that I couldn't live if you died. It's true. I can't live without you. Trust me I tried so hard. But it's too hard, I can't ignore the pain in my chest anymore. My life has no reason to continue. You were the stars in my sky, the better half of me. And now, I'm just a corpse with no soul anymore. Tomorrow will be the last day for me. The last day until I'll see you again. I'm not scared. I can't wait to see you. And I'm sorry, Dru, Ty, Tavvy, Mark, Helen. I love you, Emma. I love you so much. Julian._

 **(change in handwriting)**

 **2013- It's Dru. I found this diary and read it all and I'm so sorry, Emma. I miss you so much, you and Jules and Livvy. It's been a year, and tomorrow, I've got a speech competition. I'm so nervous. Ty's a wreck, but Kit is helping him as much as he can. I hope you can see me, Jules and be proud of me because you were always like a father to me. I love you.**

 **2014- It's my birthday today. I'm 15, now. Helen told me to make a wish when I blew out the candles. I wished for you to come back to life. It' so hard without you. Ty is the same age as you were when you took your life away, Em. I miss you.**

 **2015- I had my first kiss today. It was with Jaime. He asked me out after, I love him so much. Can you see me? Tavvy asked me where you were. He's ten now. I told him you were in a special place called heaven. I miss you so much.**

 **2016- Ty married Kit, yesterday. They all looked so happy. I'm 17, now. The same age as you were when you took your life away. Jaime's the best. He's always here for me. Can you see me? I love you so much.**

 **2017- I graduated yesterday. Tavvy's 12, now. I feel like our family's broken and will never get back together the way it used to be. We lost mom, dad, Jules, Em, Livs and everyone just moves out of the house. I'm staying.**

 **2018- I'm marrying Jaime. He proposed to me a week ago. I'm gonna move out to his house. Ty and Kit adopted a little girl named Jasmine. She's really pretty. I hope you can see all of this. I miss you so much. I love you.**

 **2018- I'm a married woman! I love Jaime. It's December, and I'm expecting my first child! I'm so excited! I'll name my child Emma Livia Hope if it's a girl and Julian Andrew River if it's a boy. I miss you so much. Dru**

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Hey. Sorry for the dark contents, but tell me what you think, please.


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